Deferred or Rejected by a Dream School?
10 Great Ways to Comfort Your Child and Help Them Move On
Note to my terrific subscribers: With many students receiving rejection and deferment notifications from colleges right now, I thought I’d repost this piece from February. I hope it will help comfort and encourage parents and students running the sometimes brutal college admissions gauntlet.
This too shall pass! ;)
It hurts to be rejected.
Especially by your dream school. Especially by multiple schools. Especially by multiple schools if one hasn’t received a single message from a college announcing “CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE IN!”, adorned with a spray of colorful digital confetti. After all of the work done and the years invested, it hurts to be rejected.
The college admissions process can certainly be an exhausting and somewhat brutal experience for many of us.
But it’s going to be alright. In the not-too-distant future, this stormy season will end and sunshine will return.
Perhaps shining brighter than ever.
As a teacher, I wrote dozens of college recommendation letters for my students. I joined them in celebration and comforted them when they received bad news. As a parent, I navigated the college admissions gauntlet twice during the last five years. And as someone who has indeed been rejected by universities myself – I have some idea how this feels.
As your child (or a child you care about) is still smarting from the sting, here are 10 ideas to help them heal and find happiness again while keeping things in perspective and growing from the experience.
1. Grieve with them.
Acknowledge your child’s loss. Hug them if they cry, and you don’t always have to fight back tears if they begin flooding your eyes too – not because you are disappointed with your child but because you love them unconditionally. That might even be worth saying to them if you shed a tear. Be even more generous with your time than you already are, and be willing to talk about all of this repeatedly if necessary. Share your child’s grief for the loss of a possible vision for their future. But limit the tears to a few days at most, and be sure to model keeping things in perspective. This loss is legitimate, but there are far worse sufferings in life.
2. Share your story of rejection.
If you have ever received a college rejection letter, tell your story of triumph. Tell your child about how it felt, and how you got through it. Share the stories of other successful people who were not admitted to their dream schools. “Famous members of the thin-envelope, ‘we regret to inform you…’ club include at least two U.S. presidents…noted authors, and celebrated entertainers,” reports Greg Daugherty of Money. Swarthmore rejected President Barack Obama, West Point rejected President Harry S. Truman, Princeton rejected humorist Tina Fey, and UCLA rejected director Steven Spielberg! I’m sure Swarthmore, West Point, Princeton, and UCLA probably wished they had given the applications for these students a second look. The point is that your student can still find a path to success, and they need to be reminded of that.
3. Don’t spend too much time trying to figure out why.
You’ll likely never know why a college didn’t admit your student, and it doesn’t matter. Assuming the student submitted a timely, complete, and honest application, remind them that they did their best and can be satisfied. They made a sincere effort to share about their high school performance, their interests, and their reasons for wanting to attend.
It’s the school’s loss.
4. Praise your student.
Talk to them about their true strengths, talents, and what makes them genuinely special as human beings. Remind them they are infinitely more than what a resume or college application reveals.
5. Recognize the difficult social aspects of the situation.
Receiving a college deferral or rejection letter can be humiliating — especially if a student has shouted from the rooftops in the fall about where she has applied for admission. During this time of year and moving into the spring, classmates, relatives, and other adults often ask seniors awkward questions such as “So, what are your plans? Where are you going to college? Where did you get in? How did it go with Princeton?” Argh! While individuals may mean well, they often fail to realize how these types of questions put students on the spot. Help your child formulate answers in advance. “Well, I’m not exactly sure yet. Still working on it!” Then change the subject.
Remind your child that millions of applicants are experiencing rejection from their dream schools, too. These days, getting admitted by some colleges is akin to winning the lottery or getting struck by lightning – twice. Harvard just admitted a record low 3.19% of applicants last spring. Your student is not the only one.
6. Trust that there is a purpose and a plan for their lives.
Students might be asking themselves, “Well, where do I go from here then? I did everything I could, and here I am. What now?” If you and your family are people of faith, share with your child that a greater power has a purpose for their lives and a plan for their good that may not make a whole lot of sense at the moment. Their job is to continue living right and doing their best. They will understand in time.
7. Count blessings.
While your child may be understandably focused on being rejected, help them begin to make a list of things that are going right in their lives: family, friends, a cozy bed, a beloved pet, health, or progress related to a hobby or particular area of interest. If your student has already been accepted to another college, help them to be grateful for that opportunity and encourage them to envision themselves possibly attending that school. If your child is still waiting to hear from colleges, focus on staying hopeful about those applications. Focusing on blessings will help your student look beyond himself with a fresh perspective.
8. Self-Care.
Your child is probably under a lot of stress, and senior year requirements don’t end until after exams in May. Encourage them to get enough rest, while continuing to exercise and eat right. A little time outside can be refreshing if it’s not too cold. It might be a good idea to avoid downing pints of Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy (on second thought, if you partake with your child, then why not?). When the homework is done, take an evening off and enjoy watching a few Disney flicks or maybe Shrek or Paddington. Make their favorite meal or order in.
9. Take some productive action.
If your student is waiting to hear from additional schools, email contacts with updates regarding the student’s most recent accomplishments. My son did this, and while it’s difficult to determine its precise effect, he did end up being admitted by a school that received such updates from him later in the process. Any schools still accepting applications? Apply to one. There is still time to look at other schools. You can see a list of schools with February deadlines and later here.
Evaluate the list of schools your child has applied to. Do you need to quickly adjust and apply to an additional safety school? Do it! It’s a little early to think about the possibility of transferring, but in my home state of Virginia, students can attend a community college and if they meet certain requirements, they can then transfer to the University of Virginia. Perhaps your state has such an arrangement.
10. Help them build character through this experience.
Coping with college rejections presents an opportunity to learn a few important life lessons, albeit some relatively painful ones. Assure your child that how they deal with the situation matters. They can choose to cope with grace, maturity, and perspective – or not. They can respond with resilience and emotional strength or they can wallow in unwarranted misery. Your child can choose the sunnier path.
It’s also helpful to remind students to avoid comparing their unique situation with those of others. It’s probably a good idea – as it usually is – to minimize social media use as harmful comparisons can stoke envy, jealousy, and self-pity. Help them create a new vision for next year and remind your child that the special plan for their lives is still unfolding.
If one of your child’s “safety” schools has admitted him, chat enthusiastically about what they might like to study and the unique opportunities the college provides. Celebrate how the schedule will probably be much more flexible (chances are, they won’t have to wake up at the break of dawn five days a week) and how they will have even more time to focus on their special areas of interest. There are probably all sorts of pluses about the school related to geography, cost, and opportunities. Focus your child’s attention on the possibilities.
Wherever your student goes, applaud that school, be grateful, buy the pennants, wear the bling proudly, and get excited!
You and your child may not choose a school until March or April. Stay hopeful.
Your child’s note of “CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE IN!” and their spray of colorful digital confetti may be just a few weeks away!
Until the next post!
-Antonette